Healthy emotional dependency: The balance of being both separate and connected

Our sense of self develops within the emotional attachments of our multigenerational family system. From birth, we depend entirely on caregivers for survival, existing in a state of fusion with them. As we grow, becoming responsible for ourselves requires a process of differentiation of self, where we renegotiate these early bonds to develop a mature and distinct identity.

Two fundamental forces shape this process: individuality and togetherness. The individuality force drives us toward autonomy, self-direction, and the ability to think, feel, and act independently. In contrast, the togetherness force keeps us emotionally connected to our family, social groups and community, where our wellbeing is intertwined with the approval, love, and agreement of others. A well-differentiated family supports the development of healthy emotional dependency - that being the capacity for one to simultaneously experience themselves as connected to others and also be a separate individual in their own right. Fears of co-dependency or helplessness have led to a negative perception of dependency in relationships. However, healthy emotional dependency is central to fulfilling connection with others. Dependency is necessary for building trusting relationships that provide the emotional security to experience intimacy, express needs and vulnerabilities, and receive love and care.

Underlying many of the problems that bring people to therapy is the imbalance of the togetherness and individuality forces. Either there is too much entanglement and merger in relationships or alternatively there is too much self-reliance that does not allow for truly intimate, close and supportive connection.

For a related discussion, read our earlier article on ‘understanding merger-enmeshment in relationships’.

February 2025